Don't Panic

I've got that feeling of non-specific panic again. Like I did or said something really bad today but that I don't know what it is yet. I can't quite remember, but I will and I'll freak out about it later I'm sure. I always wonder if this panic is a fear of the event or of the freaking out about it. The track record for a lack-of-repercussions is sterling by the way - not a single memorable bad thing has happened from anything that I have previously freaked out about. Every single thing I've worried myself into an early grave over has been ok in the end, or at least unnoticeably bad in the long run. I know this, I know there isn't, there can't be, anything to worry about really. So why do I have this feeling again?

It didn't taste great

I quit my job today. I don't have another job to go to, I was just done. Advertising beat me. I thought I could civilize it if I just kept on plugging away doing things the best I could, but the wave of shit just overwhelmed me eventually. It eroded away all the good I did so that no-one would ever know it was even done, so I guess I was just trying to fight back the sea with a sword after all.

So now I'm staring down the barrel of nothing, just like I always daydreamed about the joy of being unemployed on the bad days, and of course now it's real it's also terrifying. What now? What next? Am I  going to have one of those "it was the best decision of my life! stories or have I just doomed me and my wife to destitution? I have no fucking idea right now.

I thought I wold feel better after I left. I thought I would feel elated or relieved that it was over, but advertising beat me. It broke me, it cowed me, it built me up and then tore me down. Advertising beat me, I didn't think it would, but it did.

And now I have to live with that.