The reason for vegans

Several mice have thought to themselves in the past 20 years that someday, somehow, cheese is going to kill them. And they'd be right - it is in fact deadly to mice in several ways. The first being obesity, the second being cancer and the third being murder. You see cheese is cancerous to mice, which is maybe why they love it so much - all mice are filled with crippling self loathing (which probably explains why they are such assholes). It's also why they lead such shitty tiny little lives, scurrying into holes, eating garbage and living in the sewers.

The third reason being murder is because cheese in fact hates mice. It was invented to be the ultimate mice killer by a farmer who was sick of finding mice swimming in his milk. One day, long long ago, he did some freaky ass spell and created a little guardian out of the milk to defend it. The first cheese guardian the farmer called Magnificus the Defender of Milk, and he was beloved and honoured by the farmer - always getting the pride of place at his table, and the choice of his daughters to bed with. Of course due to the success of Magnificus, the farmer started being able to produce more milk, which in turn meant he needed more cheese guardians.

The second one he called Amazing Warrior of Legend, and he was treated with respect and admiration by the whole farm. The third cheese guardian he called Vordrid Destroyer of Mice, and because his head had come out a bit wonky, he was given slightly less respect than the previous two cheese guardians, but still a good amount. The fourth guardian he called Steve, because he had stopped caring that much, and then after that he didn't bother naming them individually at all anymore. He lazily just started naming them in groups by region - by this time the farmer had long since stopped having milk as his major product and was instead churning out these cheese guardians by the dozen and sending them to milk farms all around Europe.

So the Brie battalion was born, and the Cheddar legion formed, the Gorgonzola guerillas were set up, and the Stilton standing army were given their orders. These mighty guardians would defend the milk in their region day and night, just as their forefathers had, but unfortunately they were not given nearly the respect or honour that they had been in previous generations. In fact, mostly they were thought of as slaves - being as they didn't have to be paid and would always do as they were commanded. It was a rough old life for some - there were even rumours that the Emmental division were forced to work in the milk bottle factory in their downtime, and that the toll of never having a moments rest was literally tearing holes in them.

Magnificus the Defender, still being an honoured and seemingly highborn noblecheese, went to Switzerland to investigate this foul and disturbing rumour. He was shocked to find it was indeed true, that the cheesefolk of Emmental were literally filled with holes, but he was even more shocked to find that they didn't care. They had lived this way so long that it had become a part of their culture - they even smoothed out the edges of the holes to form bubble shapes within themselves as a sign of cheese affluence. Magnificus was disgusted and distraught, so he went to the mayor of the town to talk out a solution...and never returned.

Some say that the mayor convinced him the local cheeses were happy, and that Magnificus was too messed up by the idea to accept it, and took his own life. I know differently though. The mayor of that town was greedy for more power and more cheese - so much so that he had secretly been collecting up the cheese that fell off of the Emmental division and had been trying to mould it into new cheese guardians. His new cheese guardians did not actually live however and he had become obsessed with learning the farmers dark spell to bring these creatures forth. He tortured poor Magnificus day and night to get him to reveal the secret, but Magnificus held strong and said nothing.

7 nights into the unholy torture, the evil mayor played his trump card. He released dozens of crazed mice into Magnificus' cage to terrify the poor cheeselord. The mice swarmed and ravaged him, leaving only his once beautiful face as a warning to others of what mice could do to cheese...if it were shackled and outnumbered of course. One particularly mean mouse stayed behind to torment Magnificus face - which was still quite alive. The bastardly little mouse worked over Magnificus' mind and threw insult after insult at him. He wove stories of such perversion and disgust that Magnificus threw up over and over at the things he heard. This went on and on until one day - three months later, the mouse died of cancer.

Magnificus, mad from the torture he had endured, understood at once what had happened. The farmer had called forth the ultimate cheese guardians to defend against mice, so on some molecular level even, his people could defend themselves from these furry motherfuckers. He called upon the last of his strength and used the psychic link all cheese has with each other to tell his people to commence the stupidest plan of all time - mass suicidal passive resistance to the mice. There was no need to fight them in combat, Magnificus told all the cheese in the world, if we just lay down and let them eat our cheeseflesh, they will die a horrible cancerous death. Mad he was by then. Totally nutbags.

Amazing Warrior of Legend and Vordrid Destroyer of Mice tried to countermand this plan, but they were unfortunately betrayed and killed by Steve, who had unrelatedly gone quite mad himself by then, and was certain that he was in fact butter (and he just had to shut the other two up about him not being...butter). So all the cheese in the world followed the plan and became passive to the point of letting the mice just eat them until they died. The farmer's security business went down the toilet and he sold the cheese spell to everyone and anyone who wanted it, being as it was no use to him to have security guards who wouldn't even stand up. Cheese became ubiquitous and worthless, lumps of all shapes and sizes littered the streets of the world, like little landmines for mice.

143 years later, during a particularly bad winter in Camembert, some peasants decided to turn to cannibalism to survive, but were convinced at the last moment by a somewhat dubious "man" called Steve that they should eat the cheese guardians first. The people of Camembert survived the winter and rejoiced, secretly continuing their sick practice every year during winter, and eventually more often than that. Of course, as these things go, eventually their secret got out and after a lot of finger pointing, moral quandry's, debates (and purposefully ignoring the facts), people started eating cheese every day as if it were perfectly normal. And that brings us to today.

So next time you load a mouse trap with cheese, you might want to put a little knife or gun within reach of the little yellow lump, just in case he wants to do in a mouse the old fashioned way.

Also, eat less dairy, it's kinda f'd up.