I won’t say that I haven’t heard of you, because I have. What I will say however is that I’m afraid I just don’t care about you or your problems. I mean, not really. It might come as a bit of a shock to you, I guess, after everyone down there probably told you that I totally did care, but I really just don’t. You see I made two of you a really long time ago, and I cared about them, but I just can’t bring myself to care about you.
They were my perfect little angels you see, and the three of us used to just hang out and it was frickin’ awesome. We were so close, the three of us, that we didn’t even wear clothes. Seriously! We had such an amazingly awesome relationship that it actually transcended clothing and embarrassment. I made this wicked sweet garden for us to hang out in, put some animals in there, made the day, the night, all that good stuff yada yada and then we just chilled. You know? Like totally relaxed and did NOTHING. Together. It was epic great. But then, after a while, all the usual admin started to build up and I started having to travel back and forward between paradise and the big office in the sky. I mean, being all knowing and omnipresent isn’t easy just because you’re also all powerful, nooooooo. You still have to keep up with all the information flow, keep absorbing it and understanding it, and that took up more and more time as my universe kept expanding and getting more complex. So I had to spend more time in the office, which meant less time with my friends. Not that it’s not epic up there mind you, or that it was much trouble getting to and from work, I just resented not being there all the time. I started to miss out on the start of running jokes, and hearing important news second. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but, when you’ve been hanging out as intensely as I had been with these two, being left out, even a tiny bit, it gets to you man. So I did something a bit silly and decided to bring my work home with me.
So that I didn’t mess with the decor of the garden, I made the information flow like a tree growing fruit, so all I had to do was eat the fruit and voila, I was up to date with all the latest happenings everywhere. Of course I knew it wouldn’t be good if my friends ate the fruit. Oh no, their tiny little brains would probably implode if they knew even a fraction of what I knew for a second. I mean could you handle knowing that the sub-saharan desert is actually.....woah! I almost just gave away a huge secret there! Gotta stop doing that! Seriously, you may have been killed if I hadn’t just stopped myself. Heheh.
Anyway, so the fruit, I didn’t want them eating the fruit. But how hard would that be to arrange? These two were my hardcore besties so I just said, “listen, there is fruit all over this mofo, eat all that, but just not this. This is big boy fruit, for papa beardyman, so just leave it the frick alone.” And that should have been that. But of course it wasn’t.
I remember the day so vividly...I was out doing this art therapy course, and I’d just gotten home and thought I’d take care of a little work before dinner and munch some fruit. I noticed right away that there wasn’t any ripe fruit on the tree, but my first thought was that it must have been a tragic misunderstanding, so I raced to find my friends to make sure they were alright. But when I found those two disloyal little meat bags, they were doing the thing I told them they probably shouldn’t do, because they were kind of genetically related... and they were covered, COVERED, in the juice of the info fruit they had obviously stolen.
So I got mad, and maybe over-reacted, and kicked their sorry butts out. I told them they could never come back, and that what they had done would haunt them forever. Then in my rage, I realised they wouldn’t actually live forever, so I gave them reproductive organs, so the taint could live on through their genetically dubious progeny. And then I sulked.
Yes that right, the lord your God sulked. I was upset ok, really depressed about the whole situation. I tried to stay in the garden and pretend that everything was ok, but it just wasn’t. I started talking to the trees, to the grass, to the other animals, but nothing helped. I even got drunk one night and blamed the whole thing on this one snake, even though I can’t imagine him having had anything to do with it.
Eventually I shut the garden down, and started working from the office again. I tried to look in on my friends a while later, but they were of course long dead. Their progeny were everywhere however, and may I say, were mostly turning out to be massive asshats. So I washed off my ball of mud and tried to start again with just a few of the good ones. It turned out ok for a while I guess, but mostly I was just disappointed with my creations’ creation’s. Even when I intervened in their little lives it made little long term difference to the massive attitude problem I was witnessing.
So, after a while, I just stopped caring. And that, my friend, brings us neatly back to me, and more specifically, you. Ask all you want for playstations or peace, I’m sorry, but I’m just not listening. Ok well I am, I can’t help that, but I am not going to respond. Not unless you’re good. And I mean epicly good.
I won’t say that I haven’t heard of you, because I have. What I will say however is that I’m afraid I just don’t care about you or your problems. I mean, not really. It might come as a bit of a shock to you, I guess, after everyone down there probably told you that I totally did care, but I really just don’t. You see I made two of you a really long time ago, and I cared aboutthem, but I just can’t bring myself to care about you.
They were my perfect little angels you see, and the three of us used to just hang out and it was frickin’ awesome. We were so close, the three of us, that we didn’t even wear clothes. Seriously! We had such an amazingly awesome relationship that it actually transcended clothing and embarrassment. I made this wicked sweet garden for us to hang out in, put some animals in there, made the day, the night, all that good stuff yada yada and then we just chilled. You know? Like totally relaxed and did NOTHING. Together. It was epic great. But then, after a while, all the usual admin started to build up and I started having to travel back and forward between paradise and the big office in the sky. I mean, being all knowing and omnipresent isn’t easy just because you’re also all powerful, nooooooo. You still have to keep up with all the information flow, keep absorbing it and understanding it, and that took up more and more time as my universe kept expanding and getting more complex. So I had to spend more time in the office, which meant less time with my friends. Not that it’s not epic up there mind you, or that it was much trouble getting to and from work, I just resented not being there all the time. I started to miss out on the start of running jokes, and hearing important news second. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but, when you’ve been hanging out as intensely as I had been with these two, being left out, even a tiny bit, it gets to you man. So I did something a bit silly and decided to bring my work home with me.
So that I didn’t mess with the decor of the garden, I made the information flow like a tree growing fruit, so all I had to do was eat the fruit and voila, I was up to date with all the latest happenings everywhere. Of course I knew it wouldn’t be good if my friends ate the fruit. Oh no, their tiny little brains would probably implode if they knew even a fraction of what I knew for a second. I mean could you handle knowing that the sub-saharan desert is actually.....woah! I almost just gave away a huge secret there! Gotta stop doing that! Seriously, you may have been killed if I hadn’t just stopped myself. Heheh.
Anyway, so the fruit, I didn’t want them eating the fruit. But how hard would that be to arrange? These two were my hardcore besties so I just said, “listen, there is fruit all over this mofo, eat all that, but just not this. This is big boy fruit, for papa beardyman, so just leave it the frick alone.” And that should have been that. But of course it wasn’t.
I remember the day so vividly...I was out doing this art therapy course, and I’d just gotten home and thought I’d take care of a little work before dinner and munch some fruit. I noticed right away that there wasn’t any ripe fruit on the tree, but my first thought was that it must have been a tragic misunderstanding, so I raced to find my friends to make sure they were alright. But when I found those two disloyal little meat bags, they were doing the thing I told them they probably shouldn’t do, because they were kind of genetically related... and they were covered, COVERED, in the juice of the info fruit they had obviously stolen.
So I got mad, and maybe over-reacted, and kicked their sorry butts out. I told them they could never come back, and that what they had done would haunt them forever. Then in my rage, I realised they wouldn’t actually live forever, so I gave them reproductive organs, so the taint could live on through their genetically dubious progeny. And then I sulked.
Yes that right, the lord your God sulked. I was upset ok, really depressed about the whole situation. I tried to stay in the garden and pretend that everything was ok, but it just wasn’t. I started talking to the trees, to the grass, to the other animals, but nothing helped. I even got drunk one night and blamed the whole thing on this one snake, even though I can’t imagine him having had anything to do with it.
Eventually I shut the garden down, and started working from the office again. I tried to look in on my friends a while later, but they were of course long dead. Their progeny were everywhere however, and may I say, were mostly turning out to be massive asshats. So I washed off my ball of mud and tried to start again with just a few of the good ones. It turned out ok for a while I guess, but mostly I was just disappointed with my creations’ creation’s. Even when I intervened in their little lives it made little long term difference to the massive attitude problem I was witnessing.
So, after a while, I just stopped caring. And that, my friend, brings us neatly back to me, and more specifically,you. Ask all you want for playstations or peace, I’m sorry, but I’m just not listening. Ok well I am, I can’t help that, but I am not going to respond. Not unless you’re good. And I mean epicly good.
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